Comedy cruises on the Mediterranean

Nov 13 2008 By Michael O'Flaherty

YOU'RE joking! That was my reaction when I was invited to learn the art of cracking jokes on a comedy cruise in the Mediterranean.

And so I found myself on-stage aboard the good ship Island Star, trying to make 350 people laugh.

To say I was terrified would be the understatement of the decade. Sailing from Nice to Menorca, I was on stage for the first time since the school play, when Iplayed the First Witch in Macbeth.

To make matters worse, there was a real witch in the front row of the audience - any comic's worst nightmare: an elderly Yorkshire 'lady', slightly the worse for drink and heckling like a good old harridan from Hull. Earlier in the day, for the cost of a fiver, I had taken a comedy 'master class'.

My instructor was Miles Crawford, a Lenny Henry lookalike from the comedy group Jongleurs. Founded in 1983 and with 17 stand-up clubs throughout Britain, Jongleurs launched the careers of such notables as Rory Bremner, Graham Norton, Jo Brand, Al Murray, Jack Dee and Jimmy Carr. So, I thought, what about me?

Comics from the group such as 41-year-old Miles performed on the luxurious, 46,811-ton Island Star throughout 2008.

Before I braved the spotlight glare of the stage, Miles told me how to engage the audience, how to present myself and my material, how to hold the microphone (high and confidently, not dangling).

And above all, delivery - and I'm not talking about Tesco.

My voice seemed to come out of some dark corner of the universe - a thin, reedy discord like a Dalek. In trembling tones, I delivered my short material: a true Irish story...

"I was driving through Ireland from Cork to Donegal. I was very tired and stopped at a small hotel in a town called Letterkenny. I knocked on the door. A yawning night-porter with his braces over a grubby long-sleeved vest came to the door and asked if he could help.

"I asked if he had a room. 'No trouble at all,' he said and invited me in to sign the register. 'You wouldn't happen to have a room with a bath?' I asked. 'That's no trouble either,' said the porter.

"He reached up behind him, pulled down a key and said: 'You're in room number seven sir... and the room with the bath is at the end of the corridor.'" Laughter, applause! I was made! I introduced the next act and exited left, "pursued by a bear" as they say in Shakespearean directions. I had flown to Pisa to join the Island Star in the middle of a Mediterranean cruise. Formerly called Horizon, with 10 decks and 753 comfortable cabins for 1,875 passengers tended by 573 crew, this impressive ship will be joining the Celebrity Cruises fleet during 2009.

This follows the recent merger of First Choice - which operated Island Cruises in a joint venture with Royal Caribbean - with Thomson within the TUI travel giant. But her sister ship Island Escape will continue to operate Mediterranean cruises under the TUI Travel flag, out of Palma, Majorca, next year.

The Island brand stands for casual cruising, with a slogan of "relaxed, informal and friendly". There is no strict dress code, great entertainment and lively shore excursions with a difference.

Guided bike tours are another innovation.

Some of my fellow passengers had survived a bike ride into Rome through its snarling, chaotic traffic.

They were therefore well-equipped for the relatively calm bike tour I took after we docked in the beautiful port of Mahon in Menorca.

We set off in orderly single file on well-equipped mountainbikes with what seemed like dozens of gears.

I visited the ship's spa for a blissful, one-hour hot-stones massage, which was much-needed after the exertions of the day. The Island Spa also has a beauty and hairdressing salon, and I could have had a facial, a manicure, a mud mask or even a detox body wrap if I had felt so inclined.

That night I enjoyed a gourmet dinner, with excellent waiter service, in the elegant Oasis restaurant - one of five on the ship. There are also seven bars ranging from The Pub, which is as its name sounds, to the quieter, wood-panelled Captain's Club.

After dinner - there are no set times for eating, another bonus - I went to the finale in the Ocean Theatre, a superblypresented West End-style, all-singing, all-dancing show. And finally a quick look at the Casino, where seven proved to be an unlucky number for me, seven times over.

And what of my fellow passengers?

Relaxed, friendly and informal, as indicated by the slogan of the ship, they included young couples, a few families, middleaged and older couples, and some singles.

If any of us had wished to get married on board, it would have been no problem at all.

But I was happy to stick to the jokes.

islandcruises .com

"The Island brand stands for casual cruising, with a slogan of relaxed, informal and friendly"

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